Pure (Barre) Intentions

I’ll be leaving for the airport in 2 hours but damn, I gotta get a very minor event out of my gorgeous little head. My dear friend challenged me to a Pure Barre Classic class. I have a membership, but after throwing my back out from PB Define, I decided to only do Align (no weights, more yoga). After yesterday’s Align, my angel B convinced me to do a 10am Classic with her today before my flight. I positive sabotaged myself and booked the class yesterday so it was too late to cancel by the time I woke up this morning.

So I did the Classic. And yes, I am too expressive. If anything, this is a sign that I’m due for some ‘tox. I react big, my face contorts. The instructor, in a mostly fun (?) and joke-y way, said, “you can’t come back to my class, because you make me laugh too much.”

I was very much so struggling with a double tube around my thighs, when gorgeous queen instructor said, “this isn’t the hard part, you already did the hard part by getting here,” but I was actively struggling, so I burst out in an lol, because actually for me, this was the hard part.

At the end of class, I said I would be really good next time, and the teacher was like, “haha I can’t take it- you’re too funny in class.” But then friend/also instructor B was like, “girl, she was just trying to motivate you,” and I was like, “omfg yes I know, I was only laughing at how objectively bad I am at that class.” I would literally never ever laugh at a teacher in a mean or bitch way! Which rehashed up all this shit from my youth of being friends with mean people. And being mean myself.

Which eventually feels really gross and boring, and in my growth since my v toxic clique many years ago, I never want another “our personality is we talk shit,” friend group. Or self. There is such a difference between saying the poignant true thing about an objectively bad person, but damn, I am anti-venom to an innocent victim.

It also helped when I was once talking about this guy I tried to bang who had a really small penis. And then I joked about it, and one of my friends was like, “that’s really mean, because he can’t help that.”

I was like, wait you’re so right. There’s nothing funny or clever about making fun of someone’s physical traits they can’t control? Like sure, I feel okay making fun of when I sleep like Stephen Hawking because he CHEATED ON HIS WIFE (not featured IN THE PROPAGANDA FILM, The Theory of Everything). Thus making our SOMETIMES matching posture FAIR GAME.

So, yeah, I have to pack for LA to Las Vegas for Wrestlemania, but I just can’t stop spiraling about how I potentially hurt an instructor’s feelings?! And even worse, was seen as a meanie by my irl friend!???

But I am 35, and refuse to be like “are you mad at me?” I have evolved to knowing that if someone wants to talk to me about something, it is on them to bring it up. And btw B did immediately call me out for the MISUNDERSTANDING which I was able to clear(?).

What I’m saying is, if someone has a small penis, it is their responsibility to impress you in other ways. And I deeply apologize for laughing in this different guy’s face when he got naked at my apartment 14 years ago. We were on a Boston to LA flight home together after, and he ignored me the whole time- which I do think I deserved.

I wasn’t laughing at my instructor. I love her. I love all instructors. It’s a very real part of being a little teacher’s pet, so today was obvi my nightmare.

At least I have the comfort of knowing I get to take a Lorazepam with a white wine on my flight soon.

IN OTHER NEWS!!! Rob and I went to Crystal River to swim with manatees. It was such a gorgeous majestic experience. There is something so wild about these huge ass mammals munching on grass and enjoying not having predators. Very cute. It was also v cool to wear snorkeling gear so I could nervously chew on the mouthpiece the whole time. I needed to pee, but being in a group of 10 people in the water made it difficult for me, mentally. Rob said not peeing in the water is like leaving a toilet convention needing to pee.

So we know he must have pissed a lot with us that day.

I finished the book The Women by Kristin Hannah which was such a wild ride my god. I had zero interest in reading it, but it’s been on enough lists that my book club pulled the trigger on reading it. Vietnam was such a fucked war, but aren’t they all.

xox,

Ant

Ok so now it’s 9:04pm LA time. I’ve casually dmed with B about White Lotus and have decided she does not hate me. Now I can only pray she doesn’t read my substack.

On my flight I watched half of season 4 of Couples Therapy, and Mulan in full. Both fucking rocked.

I sat in an emergency exit row with a fellow Lorazabaddie and no one in the middle. That’s luxury. We talked about being stepmoms and Winter Park Orlando and interior design and Hillstone branches. I name dropped a flight attendant I know and got us both free white wine. It was very live love laugh.

Tomorrow morning I have a dermatology appointment to address my very stunning face scars from my bout of adult acne. Which is just so real and relatable of me.

Bye again.